Saturday 1 March 2008

When I'm calling youooo-oooooo-ooooh!

When, in 50,000 years, archeologists from Ulton-Minor visit the barren remains of Earth, they will discover many things, and marvel at the terrible ways we developed to inflict cruelty and pain on each other. Yet the worst excesses of the inquisition, the horrific practices of the Khmer Rouge or terrible interrogation methods of the KGB and, latterly, our defenders in the war against terror, all will pale into insignificance when the Ultro-Minorians discover the greatest horror and indignity that man can inflict on man.

The offshore Call-Centre.

Last week, I realised my Visa card was about to expire and had not received the replacement.

Terror clutched my soul, but, there was no choice, if I wanted to avoid identity theft, penury and a life in a carboard box, I would have to go where there be dragons.

Call the number.

Press 1
Press 4
Press 3
Press 1

Accept that calls may be recorded for security and training purposes.

Be thrilled that, despite 'unexpectedly high call volumes, my call is important to them'.

SO nice to be important to someone.

Finally, a human voice.

Hallo, my name is Sfhjhsfosjfhsohan, how may I help you today?

This is actually a good start - normally, you get a pronounced Asian accent, and the words "my name is Trevor". He knows it's not. You know it's not. He knows you know it's not, but you somehow just accept it. When else, when someone opens a conversation with an outright lie, do you just let it go.

This time, I barely understand his name, but hey, that doesn't matter, I want to discuss my credit card, not invite him to dinner.

I explain the situation and he assures me the card will be here by the end of the month. Yes, I reply, but normally they arrive weeks beforehand. It will be there by the end of the month sir.

Ok, but today is the 26th. "Yes, so that gives until Friday, it will be there. Is there anything else I can help you with today?" So I tell him I've moved and can update the address on my other card and send me a new Pin and the call ends.

This morning, I awake with a splitting headache (I thought Alcohol was meant to be good for you?) and realise it's the start of the month, and no card, despite Sfhjhsfosjfhsohan's promise, so here we go again (for the purposes of brevity, I will assume you remember the process).

"Good morning, my name is R_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _er (didn't even get close to catching this one), how may I help you today?"

I explain, and tap tap tappity tap.

"Ok, this card was sent out to you on 1st December."

So, why didn't Sfhjhsfosjfhsohan tell me that? Anyway, it hasn't arrived.

More security questions. Have I lost my pin. No, but I can't remember it. I asked for a new one. That's not arrived either. Have I lost my Driving license? Have I lost my passport? No, just my patience.

Finally, he confirms he has "Blocked my account and will send me out a new card, but oh, he can't send it to me because they have changed my address"

Changed my address? No, that was on my Mastercard, it's my VIS.... oh.

Bugger.

I have two cards with the same company. I have just blocked the Mastercard, the one I received and activated safely. The one I changed the address on. My Visa, which is alone out there in the big bad world, is a different number.

Through the same process. Same security questions (did they think I may have changed my postcode, telephone number or date of birth mid-call?) and block that card.

However, they will have to write to me and I will have to send back proof of address before they will send me the new card, because I've changed it.

So, now I have two defunct cards -one expired, one blocked (they can't unblock it), it will probably be weeks before it's all sorted out and I don't even have the satisfaction of getting angry with them as, despite Sfhjhsfosjfhsohan's original incompetence, this is mostly my own fault.

Lord knows how these criminals manage identity theft, I can't even manage my real one.

5 comments:

quin browne said...

i'm waiting for my 8

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